It may seem blasphemous to 'impersonate' a Heavenly voice, but Jewish tradition teaches us that "the Torah addresses us in the language of man." Our technological age and the proliferation of voice mail allow us to transmit Torah messages via this modern metaphor. Let us be careful in our relationships to press all the right buttons, let us try to stay connected, and above all, let us pray that our calls are answered and pleas heeded for a year of health and happiness, peace and prosperity.
Indeed, verbal or subliminal Divine messages are referred to in the Talmud: "Said Rabbi Joshua son of Levi: Each day a Heavenly voice issues forth from Mount Sinai, proclaiming: 'Woe to those who disgrace Torah... .and those who busy themselves in Torah are uplifted.'" (Avot 6:2)
You need not use a cell phone or subscribe to voice messaging service to avail yourself of this easy universal service.
Here is a voice mail addressed to you. Please listen carefully to the message, and respond.
"Welcome to the Repentance Hot Line. Your call is very important to us and is fully confidential. Instead of the usual long distance, this is a local call, if calling in the Ten Days of Repentance when G‑d is closer than ever. Press #10 now.
During this time, you will hear one long note, three short beeps, nine shorter beeps, and a long note. This series will repeat several times, followed by a final note at the end.
Repentance calls for patience and persistence. If you do not get through the first time, try again. If you still do not get through, try again. At any time: DO NOT HANG UP!
If you feel you reached us in error, this is the right place, for 'to err is human, to forgive Divine.'
This call is being monitored audio-visually by: "The Eye that sees, the Ear that hears, and All your deeds are inscribed." (Avot 2:2) At any time during your call, you may hear moving renditions of Avinu Malkenu, Kol Nidray and other High Holiday melodies.
For Ashkenazic pronunciation, Bevakosho, press A. For Sephardic, Bevakasha, press S. Use any language, as long as it comes from the heart. Lip service is unacceptable. If you are not serious, please hang up, try pressing "return" and call back at a later time.
To review your annual balance, here are some helpful numbers:
For Mitzvos in general, press #613. For a positive commandment, press #248 For a negative commandment, press #365. Regarding rabbinic laws use extension 7.
For Teshuva, press 1, for Prayer Press 2, and for Charity 3... to remove the bad decree. You may Press 1 for Echad, M to ask for Moshiach. Press Zero to delete your transgressions. Are you sure you want to delete your transgressions at this time?
If you sinned against another party, contact them first, and call back after they forgive.
If you sincerely regret past transgressions, but don't know where to begin, consult Yom Kippur prayer book's Alphabetical 'Al Chet' directory. Use right hand to press pound at each listing. Thanks to our special Repentance advantage program, all your debits have been turned into credits.
All transfers to charity are credited to your account. Enter pledge now. Press #18 to contribute multiples of Chai.
May you be inscribed for a good New Year, thank you, and call again.
